Difficult People: It's Usually Not About Them

Anyone else ever feel like life would be easier if it weren’t for difficult people? Friends, family, coworkers? Even under the best circumstances, some people just get under my skin. Our differences create conflict. And I’ve found that my response to those differences often has more to do with what’s going on in me than with them. So, how do we deal with irritating people?

We can fire them, move out, avoid them, brush them off, or cut them out. Those results seem immediate, but they’re ineffective and don't address the next irritating person that comes around. At the end of the day, we can’t make people less irritating, but we can control our response. Here are 5 principles to help.

1. Identify the Irritation

Not being able to pinpoint what’s irritating can sometimes exacerbate the overall irritation. If I don’t get clear on it, it’s easy to ruminate in resentment. More importantly, I can’t effectively respond to what I haven’t clearly articulated.

2. Extend Grace

Have you ever misread someone else’s actions? Have you ever made a character judgment based on insufficient data? Have you ever avoided someone without explanation? No one likes being the brunt of those actions. So, before jumping to conclusions, it’s important to extend grace and seek clarity. And if you haven’t gone directly to the source, your one-sided conclusion may be half-baked at best. 

3. Consider the Circumstances

We often judge others by their actions but judge our actions by our intent. And we assign character flaws to what may actually just be poor execution. Instead of making character assumptions, consider the broader circumstance. There may be something unknown that’s driving the behavior.

4. Address Behavior Directly

In a previous role, I coached supervisors at various levels across multiple, diverse departments. In my experience, the best supervisors gave clear, actionable feedback when addressing undesirable behavior. There’s no specific formula for this, but a good framework to use is: action, outcome, impact, and desired change.  

You did _____ which caused ______. It’s a problem because it affects _______. Moving forward, can we _____?

5. Own Your Reaction

No irritation justifies a disrespectful response. It’s hypocritical and erodes integrity. This is what sets true leaders apart. It’s ok to set boundaries with people who rub you the wrong way. But own your reactions and model respect.

These principles can’t make people less irritating, but they will help guide your response. And that’s the one thing you can control with certainty.